Two Sides of The Coin: Heads or Tails?
Heads Up: This is not meant to be a feel good kind of read. However, it is meant to be a blatant truth kind of read. Whether you know it or not, the aforementioned topics listed below are what my brain and heart can often get into ruts about. Being that we are all connected, I feel that I am being selfish by retaining it. It is time to release it out of my head space. I am not sure who needs to read this, but as I was typing away fervently last night, I just could not stop. Whether it gives perspective or not, isn’t really my business. If it creates understanding or some kind of shift within, I am happy to have been of help to you in some way.
There are periods in life when I have been in more of a outwardly sharing state. With the outward changes of the world, I have naturally gone into a more observing mode, especially when so many unexpected events in my own life and the external realm have given me nothing but truth bombs to step on as I step away from stepping into bullshit. This has naturally lead me to do one thing: step it up dramatically. What was the inner inkling that caused this movement without any extra head chatter to pull me back? One of the catalysts as we all know is most definitely the election of an unexpected candidate that has naturally taken up the limelight to be seen and heard on a world wide scale. This has been a period of heavy observation, especially from the standpoint of someone like myself who aspires to be a speaker and writer.
If you have taken notice of my silence, it has been due to being in the midst of getting out of my comfort zone, being challenged by perspectives different then my own, and being around individuals with totally different paths in order to come back stronger with well rounded and better crafted view points of the true way of the world. When I first started writing, it was for myself. When I first started to share, it was for my own healing. I would throw chairs, yell, scream, fall on pianos, etc. I did not care about compromising or adjusting what I wanted to share. It was about bringing out the darker, nitty grittier elements that I absolutely love about myself, and humanity.
For the first time, I noticed something start to grow that was bigger than myself. I felt connected in a world where I often felt disconnected. This is how I knew writing wasn’t just a hobby, past time, or something I took lightly. There was a calling connected whether I liked it or not. In the midst of my journey, I noticed myself shifting and changing away from what I initially felt at my core. My core isn’t by any means light hearted. I love the taboo, topics that society so often wants to sweep under the rug, topics that people shy away from and raw, darker material. As I have taken time away to reflect, I realize this is the realm I need to bring my work back to.
One of the problems with our society as a whole and why events have been occurring in the way that they have is due to society’s downplay of emotion. The isolation I mentioned above often comes from feeling at levels most humans cannot quite connect to, mostly because this world is not given a written manual on how to properly feel without finding a way to numb or dismiss what it is we are truly feeling. This numbing and dumbing down of emotion can be seen on a wild scale, otherwise these terrible acts of violence, hate, and separation would not be occurring. The Earth screams for love, yet condemns a loving heart. The people on the planet are saddened by suicide, but are always so taken aback when it happens. The Earth screams for love, yet condemn the happiness of a gay couple. The nation screams for improvement, yet all of the votes go towards who we currently have as our president. Let’s take it back - the problem isn’t the outer world. The problem lays in the thought process of the human mind. The president didn’t vote for himself, the people thought it was a brilliant idea to join votes and collectively vote for him. This leads me to ask: what is wrong with the people? People scream for love but can’t quite see that the individual choice , compassion and decision making is what creates the change. How do you change? You have to feel. You have to become intolerant. You have to literally feel with every fiber of your being the disgust of the present circumstance, and realize that everything you do positively and negatively impacts the greater good. I am bringing it back to a singular level. Yes, it truly does start with you.
For many years, since I was 13, I would drink to numb what I felt. I have now come to a point in my life where I have eradicated alcohol and have seen the numbing effects it has had on my life. I process and feel emotion at visceral levels, which is often “too much.” This “too much” feeling creates the cycle of wanting to numb what I don’t want to feel because it is often misunderstood, creating the feeling of isolation. This general cycle tends to make people passive when there needs to be more action. I get heated. I get angry. I have no qualms about this, and love to find ways to channel this destructive behavior into creative behavior. In my experience, it has only been from a lack of tolerance and disgust where true change can take place. From my observation and what I truly admire, the world needs more tell you how I feel and give a shit later kind of people. We don’t truly grow from hearing nice, sweet nothings whispered in our ears. We grow from heat. Give me something that makes me boil up. Give me something that makes me snap so I can unleash what I have to offer to the world as a whole. What cuts through the symbolic steel like nature of this world? Heat. It may not be the gentle warmth of the sun, but it is a different kind of heat that I personally generate a lot of.
I will start with this:
From a young age, I never liked people. 18 years later, I look at who the majority of people voted for as president and can look back as to why I inherently had this thought process engraved in the front and back of my skull. On the positive side, one thing I was fascinated by from a young age was improvement and progression. I was commonly annoyed by children in the neighborhood, and had the hunch to do my own thing. As an example of something I used to do: I would literally throw balls to the wall just to strengthen my throw and catch when I played softball at all hours of the day and night. During my college years, I had no issue crawling in a hole for 3-4 hours straight just to make sure I could pass my tests in genetics and biochemistry. I bring these examples up for a few reasons. As much of a people person as I can be, there is also the element that doesn’t like people. How could this paradox exist? Two opposing extremes bring a fusion of truth that I wish I could embrace sooner:
Fuck people.
Not all, but most. There are human gems that will inspire, motivate and give space for you to blossom into who you are meant to become. However, I can say that there is a part of me that is speaking from experience. There are no mistakes, and no coincidences. If I could change a few things, I would have embraced the ability to drop and disengage from humans who were just in my life to pass time much sooner. You can be friends with a person for 14-18 years, and realize you two are not as similar as you initially thought. I brought up Donald Trump previously because the situation gives insight into the way of the world that no one openly discusses. If the end result of that election is the culmination of the decision making of humans, something is clearly being pushed under the rug that no one wants to look at. In short, if you really knew how people thought at their core, it could push you to actually stop giving so much of a fuck as if they had their good wishes invested in your dreams.
If you really knew the majority of people don’t care, this understanding could possibly create shifts in your life. If more people took their time to think, “what could I create to make this world a better a better place” instead of the meaningless thought process that will mean nothing when ashes are scattered in the ocean or when you’re rolling in your grave, just maybe, the world would be a better place. When Donald Trump was elected, I quietly thought to myself, “How does the majority of the nation not see that someone who has undergone bankruptcy 7 times, yells grab ‘em by the pussy and cheats on his wife a noble person to rule a country? How is the majority this devoid of emotion?” On the flipside, the beauty and disguised blessing of his election really shot the fact out that you do not really know who is truly thinking what, and quite frankly, no one gives a flying fuck. The focal point is also a pinnacle point of human evolution and growth for the betterment of this society. This brings me back to the child in me that never liked people, and wanted to consistently work on improvement as a human. What is currently happening in the world shows me why I was inherently the way I was from a young age.
There are a rare set of humans who I have had the blessing to come across who possess beautiful hearts and souls. I also have been blessed to come across unions who radiate true love. This is ideally the ultimate dream. However, I have also come across humans who will gladly take a cheater over a good hearted person. Everyone screams loyalty, loyalty, loyalty but has no idea how to handle this when it stares them back in the face. Everyone claims to want love, but is somehow wired to choose a partner that makes them feel like they aren’t good enough. Everyone claims to want a well run nation, but chooses a madman as a president to get the job done. My dislike for humanity has two sides of the coin. On the flip side, there is actually a huge love that feels the need to tell it like it is to so people can cut to the chase of the way of the world so they can fervently move in the direction of their dreams. More than anything, I love seeing people go into the direction of their dreams. You may wonder… what does all of this mean coming from me? Everything your reading is coming from a person who has gone through most of the events that would make a person turn for the worse, but decided to choose the higher road to help others along their journey. Again, the level of emotional disconnection I see and feel on an array of levels saddens me. What I am saying is nothing new. People feel. However, how often do people feel and discuss on a frequent basis? How many people tell it exactly like it is on a frequent basis? What so often happens is, the emotion gets locked up, and thrown under the rug. It then become small talk and the person may think, “I really wanted to say this, but at this point what does it matter?” What I am trying to tell you it is, it does matter. How you feel matters. How do you respond to someone when you know you’re feeling terrible and they ask, “how are you?” Think about it for a second. How many people look the person dead in the eye and say, “I just want to crawl in a hole and die.” That response you really wanted to say turns into “I’m fine.” The problem is everyone is fucking fine. Everyone is always fine. If everyone was so fine, why is all of this atrocity taking place?
One of my frustration with humans lies in the fact that there generally feels like something bad has to happen to teach loss which is sadly frustrating. In terms of genocide, school shootings and suicides: they have been going on for as long as I can remember but of course, only select situations are brought up. I remember being 12 years old when the first main school shooting took place in my lifetime. Why does tragedy need to strike for people to all of a sudden “get it?” It seems to be a string of, “let’s care when something goes amiss, but forget about it when nothing has not come up in a while.” When someone commits suicide, it’s very much the same pattern that comes up. People will murmur in remembrance of the individual, “Wow, I didn’t know so and so had this pain boiling up inside him/her. This is so unexpected.” When these incidents happen, it’s not only a cry for help. It’s a cry for help in regards to the well being of humanity’s future. It’s meant to be an eye opener to pay attention to those who wear a smile and the weight of the world on their shoulders so well. It’s meant to be an eye opener to stop the judgement. For example: Just because someone is stunning, extremely wealthy or has a kind heart by no means does that mean they are problem free. Kind hearts and true compassion come from suffering. It comes from knowing what it feels like to be in such a down trodden place and never wanting anyone to feel like that. It has nothing to do with being a push over. It’s this same type of personality that has it in them to annihilate and crush in order to be humanity’s demise if he or she really wanted to, but instead chose the higher road. It’s a frustrating truth, because this path is extremely difficult to walk on. However, people get upset when someone chooses the easier way out. It brings me back to my first point: what’s wrong with the human condition? What can we change on a singular level in ourselves? In short, less judgement. More compassion. More compassion, especially for the self.
Even though I am not a mother, there is a mother in me that has been pleading to get out my words to the human race. Focus. Focus. On. Your Own. Shit. I don’t care what anyone says about something being hard. I am allergic to these kinds of people, thus why I choose to write and stay away from most people. Everything is hard. Medical school is hard. Starting your own business is hard. Yoga is hard. Acting is hard. Writing a book is hard. True lasting relationships are hard. Giving birth is hard. The majority of people shy away from the nitty, gritty, raw and real. If the human race could work on building these attributes in themselves to accomplish goals, and continuously worked on their dreams and their own shit by dismantling the opinions of so called friends and family, the world may be in a different state. However, the majority of people shy away from who they really are, or what they really want because of some so called caring wife, husband, boyfriend or girlfriend who in reality, does not give a fuck about your dreams or support them for that matter. There is some family member who claims to believe in you, but when shit really hits the fan, you find out they are not your fans. How about the friends who you never saw yourself parting ways from? How about the unexpected deaths and suicides that you never saw coming?
This pain I feel is just one perspective of the human collective. I bring this up into the air to shed light on areas that are still pushed under the rug. As cynical as I may sound, I know deep down in my heart of hearts that it is the love that pushes me to expel my inner workings in hopes that people will catch on so that we can create major change. Without this, there is nothing. From seeing, and most importantly, feeling all of these truths in the marrow of my bones, it has lead me to go after exactly what I want so that I can give back to this world at a greater level. Be the best you can be to give back. At the end of the day, nobody cares what you do. Don’t get caught up in the misconception that they do. If nobody cares, what is holding you back from doing and going after exactly what is you want that will create change in this world? How can you go with your feeling to create the change you want to see in the world? If you are looking at the reality and saying, “this sucks,” what can you change so that one day you are exclaiming, “this is the ultimate dream!” The only way to get there is to feel on an authentic and real level.